100 days

Hi.

Today is a special day..well its good Friday and earth day..

and my Grandmother passed away 1oo days.

today is the day let me think bout my grandmother again..

what I think is just a word :

REGRET.

yea, I felt very guilty..

I din't put my heart and soul to take care her when she sick,

I just like a bustard stand there retard-ly and watch my aunt feed her,

talk to her , bath and blah blah blah..

Sometimes I really hate myself,

I told myself take my guts out and go help my aunt,

but Failed.

KNS.

I just can't believe that that day I saw she crying ,

and that's the day I back to KL.

it was 29.11.2010.

I remember the date you know why?

because that day was actually her birthday..

I dont even know her birthday pass 14 years..

I knew when I get the death certificate, I accidentally saw.

I'm a super failure, that day I just know my idol Nicholas Teo birthday

but not my grandma, what a joke weih. I summore wish my idol..

I suck :o

I saw she cried. I don't know why.

I walked in front of her, I don't know what to say,

just say goodbye..take care.

and she wipe away her tears , smile at me and said :

I will, Bye.. take care.. listen to mommy yea, study hard ar..

and I replied :

OH ok, I will. Bye..

I shouldn't say Goodbye..

I really shouldn't say that,

I don't know that's the last tome I say goodbye to her,

Grandma,

You lied to me, you said you'll take care yourself,

you said you want to see my result ,

you said you want travel China with me,

But..

that's just too late..

my apologize is also too late..

I'm really stupid right?

I can't believe myself I dint even take tissue for her when she crying.

I know she suffered from medicine,

But I can't feel the pain she felt.

all I can do is,

take care of her, cheer her up,

But I don't think I did this completely.

I don't know how to show out what I feel and what I think.

and also can't show out that I really want to take care her,

but I always did wrong things.

All I wanted to say is :

Sorry.

I'm sorry that I dint take care you well,

I wish you won't blame me when I did thinks wrong.

I wish you are here right now,

now the house was so quite,

just grandpa one person sitting at living room,

I really hurt when I saw that, but I don't know how to go and to him.

Sometimes he sit at the corner there and cried,

grandma, what should I do??

can you please tell me what should I do?

I got a lot of things want to tell you..

a lot a lot...

can you hear me?

I miss you, Grandma...